Three Strikes, or I'm Out.

Hello All!

       I'm feeling fairly good - today. Yesterday and the day before - not so much.  In fact the symptoms I've been having the last couple days are more neurological than anything and mirror what I had as a kid / teen when I had SUPER low blood pressure: Dizzy, shaky, inexplicably cold, thinking and talking a little frantically, and my vision occasionally looks like a shaky cam from a bad horror movie.  Last night these things had me Googling "Neurological Symptoms/ Effects of Gluten / Celiac" and similar combinations.  What did I find? Same stuff different day.

       I take everything I read online with a grain of salt.  Anyone with a keyboard in front of them and an internet connection can post their take on anything.  And given the nature of Celiac, and human's tendency to be hypochondriacs and over think things, I realize that so many of these people's so called symptoms are likely in their heads or not as bad as they make them out to be.  That said, much of what I find is helpful, but because there's no hard and fast numbers and facts when it comes to healing and symptom dissipation, all I can really do is keep on keepin' on.

     Besides the usual things I've also been trying to decide what the hell I'm going to eat this weekend. Superbowl Sunday with no pizza?! What the crap!.. But somehow life will go on:) Last year at this time and the year before I was making attempts at leaning out, still not knowing what was lurking in my digestive system.  Both years Superbowl Sunday was my last cheat meal before dieting, meaning copious amounts of baked goods, Domino's, and chips were put away into my tiny frame.  But little did I know that it wasn't just the excess calories that would unhinge my progress so early on, but the high level of wheat that they contained that would screw me up for weeks later and completely hinder my progress.

      The first year the pain was so excruciating, I literally only made it 7 weeks into prep before I diagnosed what  I thought was certainly an ulcer, and Cliff and I both knew competing should not be a priority for me at that point.  One of the things that exacerbates ulcers is an acidic diet. And the high-protein, low carb diet that comes with contest prep is just that, so what did I do? I added in some fibrous carbs in the form of Cheerios, Fiber One, and bread. Little did I know I was digging my grave even deeper.  For whatever reason after a couple weeks the pain was less, but not gone, and I took it as a sign that my ulcer was healing.  Over the next 9 months the pain came and went sporadically, but just as sharp.  It was compounded by extreme exhaustion, fatigue, and ..well let's keep it at 'other bathroom related problems'.

      A year later I had managed to whiddle my weight down from 146 to 135, so I was even more ready to start prepping for a show.  The pain and other symptoms were more infrequent, but just as severe when they did happen.  I had resigned myself to the idea that this condition was inescapable, but that because it had never progressed past a certain point, I felt confident enough to go on with my contest prep.  I managed to get most of the way through my prep and until about 8 weeks out when it stalled completely.  I had to fight for every 1/8 of a pound, even more than I should have, and then 8 weeks out it stalled until show day. No matter what, I got smaller, but not necessarily ripped, lean, striated or any of the things I should have.  I was embarrassed to say the least.  I wasn't cheating, I wasn't missing workouts, and I was still doing a fair amount of cardio, so where the #@$% was my six pack?

       August 28th rolled around faster than I thought it would and the next thing I knew I was finally stepping on stage for the first time.  My feelings were mixed.  The show was conveniently at home, run by two of of our friends, and my husband and I had 6 of our clients competing, two of which were in my classes and looked amazing.  Because of all the familiarity, I was to some extent more comfortable, but at the same time, these things made me feel like I had more to prove to those who were there to support me.  And while getting beat by your own clients is in a sense a compliment, in another I felt I had failed them because I worried that they were looking at me like I hadn't followed my own rules.

     The night after, and the days after that show I felt a mix of emotions. If I knew I was cheating, or if I hadn't been working out as I should, then yes I would have felt guilty, but also I would know what to do to get better, so at least there'd be some relief there.  But I'd done everything I should, and yet my results were nothing like my clients'.   My friend Corynne saw it in my eyes instantly after the show, I was beaten down, and disappointed with myself.  It was all I could do to not cry sitting there in the audience as my clients collected tropies and class wins. Because of this I decided to put competing aside for the second year in a row, until I figured out what the issue was.  I made the promise to myself that I would not compete until I was certain I was at my best. Because what happened in August could never happen again, and if this is what competing meant, then I wanted nothing to do with it.

Show Day 2010 - Compared to 2 months Gluten-Free 2 Weeks Ago

       And now over the last 3 months as I'm learning how to deal with my Celiac, I'm having similar thoughts.  Because of my restrictions, it's even tougher to cheat or overeat.  And because of my determination I've already been doing more cardio than last year.  But my weight still is not a dependable reading of my progress.  Which I could actually handle if there were some consistency.  But this last few days for no reason it spiked up to 126.6 out of nowhere, only to be 124.0 today... Needless to say I'm pretty certain my scale is playing mind games with me.

     While over the last 3 months as I've cleaned gluten and all it's little friends out of my diet piece by piece I've seen results,  but they've been slow to come.  And even though I have a day or two every week where i look and feel great, there's another one or two later on that balance it out and are incredibly low, both physically and emotionally.  Each time I come away from one of those hard days, I have the same dialog with myself, reminding myself of the promise to only compete again at my best.

      That being said, with the help of my husband and the advice of my friends, last night I came to a tough decision.  Although if I competed in May as I planned, I would look worlds better than in August or ever before. Because of the healing that is to come, and the ever changing symptoms that will remain over the next 1-3 months, it would not be my absolute best.  I will continue to diet and do cardio all the same, I know that May is just not in the cards for me.  I need to take that pressure off of myself and do this for me.  Those of you who know me wouldn't think so given my silly, ball-busting, sarcastic mannerisms, but I am one of the most self conscious, and worrisome people you'll ever meet.  Although my intentions are to compete, I'm really not competitive. But I know at the end of my life, if I never even tried, I would always regret it.. So I'm not sure when you'll see me on stage. Maybe in July, August.. maybe not til next year.  But when you do see it, you'll know that no matter how i place, I'm feeling like a million bucks.


"Intensity is Everything"
Katie Wilson