Gluten Free Is Not a Diet - It's a Disease- PART 2

PART 2: Is Gluten Free Good for The Non-Celiac?

As the title says, when it comes to going gluten free, it's not a choice for me, it's a necessity. For me going gluten free is something I have to do to not only get myself healthy, but maintain that health for the rest of my life without risking even further health complications like colon and intestinal cancers, ulcers, diverticulitis, infertility, miscarriage, anemia, vitamin deficiencies, and many more.  And yet so many people ask me if they should also be making these changes to their diet - not because of suspected Celiac symptoms, but for overall health.  While I've always been open to other people's varying ideas about health and fitness, even when they deviate from my own, this one comes down to science, not opinion, so I feel confident in telling you unequivocally: Non-Celiacs should not pursue a gluten-free diet. Here's why:

While people will argue and profess the benefits of carb-free or fat-free items all day long, and never come to an agreement, going gluten-free is very different. Where as carbs and fat are 2 of your 3 necessary daily macro-nutrients [Protein being the third], gluten is not something we necessarily need to live. However, the substance in which it naturally occurs is something incredibly healthy and one which, for non-Celiacs, should be a staple of your diet: Wheat.

Gluten-Free foods are rarely, if ever, less calorie dense than their wheat-based counterparts. In fact, one of the unfortunate facts we Celiacs face when going gluten free, is when we can find suitable alternative GF foods, they are almost always less healthy. Where you'd find wheat or whole wheat in any standard cookie, pasta, or bread item it's replaced with either corn products, or potato starch/flour. These items may act as a suitable substitute for taste, but they are much higher glycemic than their whole grain counterparts, and completely and totally lacking in any fiber content. 

For example in my earliest weeks of going gluten free, I was able to find a pretty tasty GF corn-based pasta. But when I went home and compared it to my husband's whole wheat pasta I had been eating only month's earlier, I was disappointed to see that not only was it higher glycemic for being corn rather than wheat based, of it's 41g of carbs per 2oz serving, <1 was from fiber, where as my husbands had 42g of carbs per 2oz serving, and 6g of fiber, while being much lower glycemic. And this is what I face with each GF option I find. While I'm thankful to find them at all, GF foods are not something I can use regularly in place of what I formerly ate. Because of the lack of comparable nutritional value, I'm better off adding these in occasionally, and instead adding in more fruits and vegetables, especially to make up for the fiber that's already hard to find as a Celiac.

And then there's the fat. GF foods are much higher in saturated fats especially, as manufacturers struggle to not only recreate foods, but their texture as well. No one wants to bite into a dry, tasteless, crumbly muffin. Check out this cookie I found at a local supermarket last week. As fast as I yelled "Cliff - check it out! Gluten free cookies!" I took one look at the label, and back to the shelf it went:

THREE HUNDRED TWENTY CALORIES!? 150 of which are from fat!? People I cannot begin to describe to you how ridiculous that is - especially when this cookie wasn't even as big as a 4oz hamburger patty. NOT WORTH IT! But when and if I ever want to have a cookie again - these are the kinds of concessions I'll have to make.

If I have 133 people reading this blog, chances are one or two of you have Celiac, can relate to the symptoms and experiences I've had, and really should start going gluten free. For the rest of you I can tell you in all honesty as someone who IS benefiting from a GF diet, that aside from Celiac or wheat allergies of some kind, there is no need for you to pursue this type of overwhelming change in your diet.  As you can see from the lengthy list I posted in Part 1 of this series, it's not at all as simple as eliminating bread and cereal - there are wheat byproducts in 90% of our food supply (raw fruits, veggies, and dairy excluded). The work it takes to make certain of this is quite exhausting, and if my health didn't depend on it I wouldn't be doing it at all. If limiting your intake of gluten means you are willing to permanently cut out the starchy, refined carbohydrates, and processed foods so many people are dependent on - yes there's some benefit to that side of it.  But is gluten free a diet fad? Absolutely not. It's form of medication and treatment, for a disease that.. well has no other medication or treatment. It's the way I must live to stay alive, and to stay healthy.

I'd like to take the opportunity of having your attention to ask you to take another 30 seconds to help Celiacs like myself around the country.  At this time there is no law mandating brands take the time to mark their products as Gluten Free unless they choose to do so. And most do not. This makes the life of a Celiac even tougher, and we must make the choice to stick to the 1% of items that are appropriately marked, or risk redosing ourselves.  At this time there is an effort being put forth through the FDA that all Gluten Free products be labeled consistently, so that the 7+% of the population that has Celiac can have more confidence in the products we buy, as well as more variety, however small.  Please click the following link, scroll down to where it says 'Sign the Petition'. Simply enter your name and email (you will NOT be spammed) to sign and help them know that people out there like me NEED this. Thank you so much.

Please go to:  http://www.1in133.org/you/

Gluten Free Is Not a Diet - It's a Disease PART 1

PART 1: My Restrictions, And How I Knew Going Gluten Free Was A Necessity

While I've had Celiac for anywhere from 5-10 years, it's slow increase in severity, and difficulty to diagnose left me without a diagnosis until about 4 months ago. Since finding out I had Celiac I've had a lot of different reactions from friends and fellow competitors. Mostly supportive and sympathetic, but believe it or not I've had a handful of people give me some eye-rolling, apathetic reactions that made me do a double take.  It's not like my death is imminent, and it's not like I require sympathy to function. And I'm certainly not expecting people to fall to their knees in tears either.  But at least have the heart to respect the pain I'm in, and the permanent blow to my health, even if you don't respect that my disease isn't 'serious enough'.. sheesh!

And everyone's got SO many questions! I feel like printing up pamphlets and handing them out everywhere I go to save me the time. But the fact that they're even asking questions is a demonstration of their sympathy as well, so I'm glad to take the time.. But I know because of my tendency to be too detailed and nonlinear with my story telling [much like my blogs ;)] sometimes some of it gets lost. So hopefully this blog entry will help to answer some of that.

Around 1/133 (7%) of people, mostly of Northern European decent, carry the Celiac gene. However most of those people will never know it, as being so rare there's not much information out there, and like myself you'll probably be misdiagnosed with many other things before the word Celiac even comes up.  For some of us it's active from birth, but for many people like myself it stays dormant for years.  In my case it started in my late teen's/early 20's, but some carriers have been able to live well into their 50's before they presented with symptoms. And even for those of us who are symptomatic, there's still no hard scientific evidence to explain why it awakens when it does.  One overwhelming commonality for many Celiacs is that a stressful circumstance seems to 'activate' the gene. For some women the act of childbirth or pregnancy may do this, for other people the loss of a job or loved one.  In my case it was dealing with a very dark and violent childhood [which you'd think would have been cause enough to activate it earlier in my life] coupled with all the added stressors that my early 20's brought: career, marriage, and in my case, trying to start and run 2 businesses.

Celiac is qualified as an autoimmune disease, which means the body's immune system attacks it's own healthy tissues.  In this case, the presence of gluten in my digestive system causes it to attack the villi in my small intestine which are responsible for absorbing nutrients, and without which, I may as well be starving myself. In fact, in the last few years as my Celiac really reared it's head and the damage to my stomach so severe, it didn't matter if I ate 1000 calories or 3000 calories.  Without the use of most of my villi, most of what I ate just passed through. And being that my body thought I was starving myself, it would often be in a catabolic state - a bodybuilder's nightmare. Despite my efforts to both gain muscle, and lose bodyfat, my body was fighting just to stay alive, and to do the work it needed for day to day life - forget gaining muscle. The picture below shows you the quick turnaround I had within months of diagnosis and changing to a gluten-free diet:

 So what is gluten - or really, what is it in that I have to avoid? God- what DONT I have to avoid!? My days of casually going into the store and buying anything so long as it's healthy or fits in my diet at the time are over. Even for a few items it can take me as much as an hour. My days of casual vacations or even a day away from home are changed forever and now require planning ahead extensively. I can't even spontaneously go out with my husband on a date without researching the menu first. With the exception of raw, unseasoned meat, raw vegetables, dairy and raw fruit every single thing I buy must be scrutinzed, Googled, picked apart ingredient by ingredient. As little as 1/8 of a tablespoon of wheat or a gluten contaminated item sets off an autoimmune reaction, so something as small as a nibble could make me symptomatic for days or weeks. This is why I can't understand why someone would want to go gluten free without the demand of Celiac Disease..

While I'm starting to adjust, it's no fun for me, and my husband's life is forever changed as well. We have separate carts, separate shelves in the fridge, separate cabinets at home. I can't help but wonder how much more complicated this will get when we start adding to the family. Celiac being genetic, I'll have to wonder if I've passed on the gene to my children.  This is a restriction, a disease.. it's requires constant vigilance and planning. It's incredibly exhausting.  And because of all this restriction, I have been reduced to tears in the grocery store more than a few times.

You'll notice Celiacs refer to it as going gluten free, not wheat free.  It's not that wheat itself that's killing us, it's an amino acid sequence uniquely contained in wheat, barley, and rye. And while some of these may be obvious, as is the case with many newly diagnosed Celiacs, I'm learning to never let my guard down, because wheat (and therefor gluten) is everywhere. As I keep trying to emphasize, going gluten free is in no way simple. Unless you can tell me (and more importantly yourself) that you'd be satisfied eating only plain meats, dairy, raw fruit, unsalted or seasoned nuts and plain vegetables, then you've got a lot of work ahead of you. Here's what you'll be missing out on:

• SALAD DRESSINGS & SAUCES: Modified food startch, a byproduct of wheat, is a thickening agent in >90% of all dressings and sauces. I have to research every ingredient before I even put it in my cart.
• SOY SAUCE: That may as well read 'All Chinese Food' and be followed with the sound of me slapping myself in the face. Second to pizza I have been dying without it. But believe it or not, wheat is the 2nd ingredient in all soy sauces.
• GRAVIES, DIPS & MARINADES: I know you're thinking "uhm, isn't that the same as dressings?" But keep in mind, unless you're eating barebones plain food, somewhere in that recipie some sort of sauce or flavoring comes into play and with it the likelihood of contamination increases
• PIZZA: Unless you can find a gluten free dough - good luck with that.
• BURGERS:  Besides the wheat bun, at most restaurants you run two more risks with the meat patty itself: cross contamination from other items prepared there, as well as the breadcrums many restaurants use as filler.
• ANYTHING MEXICAN: See ya later Taco Bell! Where do I start here? Sauces - Modified food starch. Meats - wheat fillers. Shells - wheat based or cross-contaminated.
• ANYTHING FRIED: While things like fried chicken, wings, and breaded anything may be obvious, because cross-contamination is something I need to be ever aware of, unless they can guarantee me they fry their fries in a separate machine from everything they bread [which having worked in the restaurant industry for years, I can tell you many do not] it's really quite pointless.
• CHEWING GUM, CANDY: Many candies gums use Modified Food Starch as a thickening agent so I even if I won't be swallowing it, I cannot let my guard down here either.
• CEREAL: I'd say a good 25% of cereals out there could easily be made gluten free. They are either rice or corn based, but because they can't guarantee lack of cross-contamination of wheat, it's not safe for Celiacs.  On top of that, let's not forget wheat derived tocopherol acetate [Vitamin E] and malt.
• PACKAGED RICE: Rice naturally is gluten free, but where our friends at Uncle Ben's and other companies really screw us Celiacs is in adding modified food starch, or straight up wheat to all their 'heat and eat' rice produts. So we're stuck with the dry, plain stuff unless we take the time to flavor it ourselves.
• SOUP: Nooooo!! Not my chicken noodle soup! Can you imagine NEVER having soup again? Just last week I had a craving and went wandering down the soup aisle, only to leave muttering obscenities. Even something noodle and barely free, and as simple as tomato soup is contaminated and over-processed with added wheat ingredients.  

-This gluten free thing isn't as simple as you though is it? Here's comes some more...

• DONUTS: while it's the last thing I need, I may never have a donut again in my life without instigating an attack of my immune system.
• MUFFINS, COOKIES, CAKES, PIES, CRACKERS, CHIPS: See "Donuts".. Christmas and birthdays will never be the same.
• ICE CREAM: I do have to say, this one's a 50/50. Some are okay, but anything with cookie dough/pieces, in a cone or containing malt (as many do) is off limits. No more going out for dessert.
• LEAN CUISINE / FROZEN MEALS: Regardless of if they contain bread, noodles or breaded ingredients, unless they take the time go be gluten free, 98% of these items are contaminated either with straight up wheat, or modified food starch... Gone are the days of microwaving a quick meal.
• SPAGHETTI/ PASTA: This is probably for the best anyways. Yes wheat is the main ingredient for any pasta, but it is also one of the most calorie dense carb sources, so i guess this is extra motivation to keep me away from Olive Garden.
• SAUSAGES / HOT DOGS, PROCESSED MEATS: Everyone knows hot dogs are usually spare parts and nastiness, but packaged and processed meats in general are full of hidden wheat byproducts.
• BLUE CHEESE: And I JUST started liking it, too.. that's just not right!
• BEER: In my case this is fine as I have never been a drinker.
• BREAD, BAGELS, etc: A little obvious, but the longer the list, the more restricted you'll see this diet becoming.
• OATS/ GRANOLA/ OATMEAL: This one's an 80/20. Chances are 80% it's a nono. It's not the oats themselves, in fact oats are gluten free and Celiac-safe. BUT very often these items are either mixed with wheat or cross-contaminated deeply, and so unsafe. Some companies do make the effort to keep from cross-contaminating their stock, and will take the time to mark their items 'gluten free' but unless you see this, chances are you're about to undo all your other gluten-free work.

So now you see how restricted my life has become. And for those of you non-Celiacs considering going gluten-free - think back to what you ate today, what you ate yesterday. Can you guarantee me it was gluten free? Can you imagine voluntarily being this restricted, regardless of the circumstances or holiday for the rest of your days? One thing's for sure - I couldn't. I'm the one with Celiac and I find it exhausting. I wrestle with it every day. Yes I am healthier for it, but it will for sure take some time for me to adjust to being the exception to the rule.  And for those of you out there who made it through the list, and are still considering going gluten free, that is what PART 2 will cover: Is a gluten free diet useful or beneficial for a non-Celiac?

Til then - have some pizza and Chinese for me!.. Just don't do it in front of me..

2 Weeks In, Total Beast Mode.

Some of the ladies competing in 2011 with TWNB

I am officially 2 weeks into my contest diet and guess what? So far so good! For those of you who haven't been keeping up, I have been diagnosed with Celiac Disease, a genetic autoimmune disease that was triggered about 5 years ago due to very traumatic events in my life. Although it's genetic, Celiacs can differ in terms of when and how it effects them. Some are active as soon as childhood, some not til their 20's, some in their 50's, and a few never feel it's effects. About 7% of the population has it, but only about 2% is ever diagnosed. Since then I have had to eliminate wheat, barely, oats, rye, malt and all their sneaky little byproducts out of my diet, cosmetics, personal care items, and detergents. And this isn't my first run at a contest diet, it's my third attempt since December 1st, and my third season in a row. In early February I blogged about my many previous dieting setbacks due to my Celiac Disease, please take a look at it to learn more about my journey up to this point.


Before I started this diet I was on a steady calorie level of about 1200 per day. I had already been dieting on and off for so long and having so many health complications interrupting my progress, the last thing I wanted to do was gain at all, and backtrack on what progress I had.  About once every 5-7 days I'd have a high carb day of about 1500 calories or a cheat meal, but for the most part I kept them low. Once I really sat down and looked at it, I realized how early in my diet it was for my calories to be so low. So for two days I went up to about 1600cals and about 200 carbs. I was sick of eating by the end of the second day.  The next day I started on a 6 day cycle of 1 day at 1600, 2 days at 1300 calories and 3 days at 1200 calories. Each one also having varying level of protein, carbs and fats.

When I started the diet 14 days ago I was 128.8, this morning I weighed in at 124.0, and I'm only on my second moderate day, I've got my fingers crossed for another 6/10 or more this week before I start a new cycle.  For those of you who haven't done carb cycling before, typically in the day or two immediately proceeding your highest calorie day [Day 1] you are the heaviest. From the extra food in your belly, from the excess water those carbs are suspended in, etc. And for many people their lowest weight is on one of the latter low days [Days 5 or 6], and sometimes first thing in the morning before they start back at the high calorie day.

IFPA Pro Corynne Pero and Myself 3/13/11

My workouts this week have been very good.  I started a new German Volume Training program we just came up with - we always use ourselves as guinea pigs before distributing it to any clients. This one is brutal, not in terms of difficulty as by now I am a pretty seasoned lifter, but more in it's after effects. I feel as if I spent the week being pummeled with dodgeballs from a 4th grade gym class. Super Duper. It's a 2On/1Off/3On/1Off Schedule. The last three days are all 4-6 reps.  This is my happy place. Give me a rep range higher than 12 and I feel like I'm just warming up, I live to powerlift. For so long having the lesions in my stomach inhibited my ability to go so heavy, and bear down or block with my midsection, so it's good to start chipping away at those personal records again. On my chest day I was able to hit a personal record on the Incline Dumbbell Press of 45x5. Yesterday on back day I hit a pound for pound personal record on the deadlift of 165x4 at a bodyweight of 124.  I do have videos of both, however technology has failed me and they upload sideways. I'll have to save it for next week, at which point hopefully I'll be on the 50's and deadlifting 175.:)

So far I do not have a solid plan of action for which shows I'll do. It's driving my husband and my good friend Corynne nuts - they're my two biggest fans, and two great shoulders to lean on on the hard days.  It's not so much that I'm procrastinating, I do fully intend to compete this year.  It's just that with everything I've been through with my Celiac, and trying and failing over and over again to prep, I am sick of changing plans. For the next few weeks I just want to focus on dieting and training like the show is always just a few weeks away, and in a month or so I will choose and announce which shows I'm doing. Til then, I'm enjoying the high calories, the heavy lifting, and will continue to make new personal records weekly. This will be the year I am the best possible version of myself. All I want to do is step on stage knowing I am the best I could be for that show. If I place well, if I win, or - if hell freezes over- and I win a pro card, that will be all the more redeeming. But my focus is on bettering myself, not worrying about the competition.

The Art of Delusion...

It's as true about anything as it is about bodybuilding that there's just as much myth out there as solid fact.  But why in all things fitness related would SO many people blindly follow the most baseless information, programs and advice- especially when it continues to fail them and disappoint their results time after time.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to yield a different result.  We're lucky to live at a time where there's scientific work out there that directly benefits us in our diet and training, and yet so few people pursue it.  I have encountered so many men and women who base their entire routine and diet on heresay, and snippits of things they've read in Flex, etc. Why are you doing this to yourself!? And even worse why do they do it season after season, year after year?

When people come to me shaking their heads telling me about yet another competitor they know who's shooting themself in the foot with their prep I say the same thing: "Bodybuilding is as much a sport as a science. And the sooner they come to terms with that fact and respect it, the sooner they will progress."  I don't care what shows your prep coach has won, how big they are, or how many big words they know; how are they qualified to prep you?  My husband played basketball for years and once told me something about the game that I feel holds true to bodybuilding as well: All players do not necessarily make good coaches. Just because they're able to play the game doesn't mean the have the means to teach that to others. Teaching and doing are two very different things. Even more so in bodybuilding than other sports.

Because I'm a female, most of the typical meat-heads leave me alone.. That and my tendency to mean mug and shoulder check any dude who tries to interrupt my workout.  But my guy friends and clients are always getting talked at by these types of guys. Some of them involuntarily, and some because they find it as entertaining as I do how delusional people can be about their workouts and diet.  My friend and fellow competitor Darin has some of the most random encounters - by nothing more than bad luck - or good if you like a good story. He's like me- in the gym he's very solitary between sets, not striking up conversations but focused on the set ahead, minding his own business. But this doesn't stop people from tapping him on the shoulder, and sometimes stopping him mid-deadlift [a cardinal gym etiquette sin] to tell him how everything he's doing is wrong. And besides being completely unsolicited, it's almost always coming from someone who's never been below 15% bodyfat, and whose workouts have likely consisted of nothing but chest, biceps and abs for the last two decades.  Yet this doesn't stop them from reciting to him things they once read in Muscle and Fitness, or bassackwards competition heresay they've overheard over the course of 25 years of hanging out in the gym with their fellow chest and bicep buddies... Those same idiots would probably watch this video and tell you there was NOTHING wrong with this dudes supposedly perfect form. In fact it's idiots like this who likely filmed it in the first place:

It's not that we as competitors shouldn't be open to doing things differently, or that we should feel our way is the ONLY way.  I have plenty of friends who compete and who's methods differ with mine in some areas, and they are no less successful for it. Even with all the new emerging research out there, each coach may interpret and apply it differently to their clients. But those who go about their workouts blindly, and without reason are wasting their time and money.

Even worse it makes me sick when people prep poorly, show up unprepared, and then blame the judges, competitors and pretty much everyone in the room but themselves  for how they placed.  Yes accidents may happen for first time competitors who didn't allow enough time, and there may be big shows where they're more competitive than others, but you have to have some level of awareness of what's required. While there may be some variation in judging from show to show, it will always be consistent with who falls at the top, and who does not place at all.  If you have not taken the measures to educate yourself about the sport, get lean enough, or you have not trained as hard as you should, it's not one's fault but your own.  The sport will not change to meet the level of conditioning you're willing to hit.

I'm sick of people with slightly better than average physiques showing up thinking they're 'good enough.' If you're serious about competing- GET THOSE WORDS OUT OF YOUR VOCABULARY! C'mon people - let's face it, in this country being better than average means not morbidly obese. And if that were the case, then why diet or train at all? I know you've seen magazines and online photos of shows and their winners - so how can you think you're at that level of conditioning, when you've not even come close to the work that was necessary to get there?

And I don't want this to come off as a sales pitch - because trust me, hiring a coach whether it be myself or anyone else, does not guarantee success. This is nothing more than me venting in a personal space. Any program is only as good as the individual's work ethic. But more importantly, while contest prep is a growing profession, there are just as many people out there that train, diet, and even go to shows completely on their own, and STILL win pro cards.  While hiring a good prep coach will ease much of that, either way, whether you're working with someone, or working on your own, there's certain questions that you need to ask before you take any advice.  I really respect people that put us through the wringer before they hire us, people who've done their homework and know that this is not for the faint of heart.  For those of you working on your own, you need to have that same attitude with every article you read, every piece of personal advice you consider taking, and every person you let have an opinion on your contest prep. Because at the end of it all YOU are the one onstage in your skivvies, and you are they one who will be made a fool of if you've chosen to follow what you wanted to hear, rather than what you needed to hear.

Don't just work hard - work smart.

Three Strikes, or I'm Out.

Hello All!

       I'm feeling fairly good - today. Yesterday and the day before - not so much.  In fact the symptoms I've been having the last couple days are more neurological than anything and mirror what I had as a kid / teen when I had SUPER low blood pressure: Dizzy, shaky, inexplicably cold, thinking and talking a little frantically, and my vision occasionally looks like a shaky cam from a bad horror movie.  Last night these things had me Googling "Neurological Symptoms/ Effects of Gluten / Celiac" and similar combinations.  What did I find? Same stuff different day.

       I take everything I read online with a grain of salt.  Anyone with a keyboard in front of them and an internet connection can post their take on anything.  And given the nature of Celiac, and human's tendency to be hypochondriacs and over think things, I realize that so many of these people's so called symptoms are likely in their heads or not as bad as they make them out to be.  That said, much of what I find is helpful, but because there's no hard and fast numbers and facts when it comes to healing and symptom dissipation, all I can really do is keep on keepin' on.

     Besides the usual things I've also been trying to decide what the hell I'm going to eat this weekend. Superbowl Sunday with no pizza?! What the crap!.. But somehow life will go on:) Last year at this time and the year before I was making attempts at leaning out, still not knowing what was lurking in my digestive system.  Both years Superbowl Sunday was my last cheat meal before dieting, meaning copious amounts of baked goods, Domino's, and chips were put away into my tiny frame.  But little did I know that it wasn't just the excess calories that would unhinge my progress so early on, but the high level of wheat that they contained that would screw me up for weeks later and completely hinder my progress.

      The first year the pain was so excruciating, I literally only made it 7 weeks into prep before I diagnosed what  I thought was certainly an ulcer, and Cliff and I both knew competing should not be a priority for me at that point.  One of the things that exacerbates ulcers is an acidic diet. And the high-protein, low carb diet that comes with contest prep is just that, so what did I do? I added in some fibrous carbs in the form of Cheerios, Fiber One, and bread. Little did I know I was digging my grave even deeper.  For whatever reason after a couple weeks the pain was less, but not gone, and I took it as a sign that my ulcer was healing.  Over the next 9 months the pain came and went sporadically, but just as sharp.  It was compounded by extreme exhaustion, fatigue, and ..well let's keep it at 'other bathroom related problems'.

      A year later I had managed to whiddle my weight down from 146 to 135, so I was even more ready to start prepping for a show.  The pain and other symptoms were more infrequent, but just as severe when they did happen.  I had resigned myself to the idea that this condition was inescapable, but that because it had never progressed past a certain point, I felt confident enough to go on with my contest prep.  I managed to get most of the way through my prep and until about 8 weeks out when it stalled completely.  I had to fight for every 1/8 of a pound, even more than I should have, and then 8 weeks out it stalled until show day. No matter what, I got smaller, but not necessarily ripped, lean, striated or any of the things I should have.  I was embarrassed to say the least.  I wasn't cheating, I wasn't missing workouts, and I was still doing a fair amount of cardio, so where the #@$% was my six pack?

       August 28th rolled around faster than I thought it would and the next thing I knew I was finally stepping on stage for the first time.  My feelings were mixed.  The show was conveniently at home, run by two of of our friends, and my husband and I had 6 of our clients competing, two of which were in my classes and looked amazing.  Because of all the familiarity, I was to some extent more comfortable, but at the same time, these things made me feel like I had more to prove to those who were there to support me.  And while getting beat by your own clients is in a sense a compliment, in another I felt I had failed them because I worried that they were looking at me like I hadn't followed my own rules.

     The night after, and the days after that show I felt a mix of emotions. If I knew I was cheating, or if I hadn't been working out as I should, then yes I would have felt guilty, but also I would know what to do to get better, so at least there'd be some relief there.  But I'd done everything I should, and yet my results were nothing like my clients'.   My friend Corynne saw it in my eyes instantly after the show, I was beaten down, and disappointed with myself.  It was all I could do to not cry sitting there in the audience as my clients collected tropies and class wins. Because of this I decided to put competing aside for the second year in a row, until I figured out what the issue was.  I made the promise to myself that I would not compete until I was certain I was at my best. Because what happened in August could never happen again, and if this is what competing meant, then I wanted nothing to do with it.

Show Day 2010 - Compared to 2 months Gluten-Free 2 Weeks Ago

       And now over the last 3 months as I'm learning how to deal with my Celiac, I'm having similar thoughts.  Because of my restrictions, it's even tougher to cheat or overeat.  And because of my determination I've already been doing more cardio than last year.  But my weight still is not a dependable reading of my progress.  Which I could actually handle if there were some consistency.  But this last few days for no reason it spiked up to 126.6 out of nowhere, only to be 124.0 today... Needless to say I'm pretty certain my scale is playing mind games with me.

     While over the last 3 months as I've cleaned gluten and all it's little friends out of my diet piece by piece I've seen results,  but they've been slow to come.  And even though I have a day or two every week where i look and feel great, there's another one or two later on that balance it out and are incredibly low, both physically and emotionally.  Each time I come away from one of those hard days, I have the same dialog with myself, reminding myself of the promise to only compete again at my best.

      That being said, with the help of my husband and the advice of my friends, last night I came to a tough decision.  Although if I competed in May as I planned, I would look worlds better than in August or ever before. Because of the healing that is to come, and the ever changing symptoms that will remain over the next 1-3 months, it would not be my absolute best.  I will continue to diet and do cardio all the same, I know that May is just not in the cards for me.  I need to take that pressure off of myself and do this for me.  Those of you who know me wouldn't think so given my silly, ball-busting, sarcastic mannerisms, but I am one of the most self conscious, and worrisome people you'll ever meet.  Although my intentions are to compete, I'm really not competitive. But I know at the end of my life, if I never even tried, I would always regret it.. So I'm not sure when you'll see me on stage. Maybe in July, August.. maybe not til next year.  But when you do see it, you'll know that no matter how i place, I'm feeling like a million bucks.


"Intensity is Everything"
Katie Wilson